A KICK UP THE TABLOIDS

Just when you thought the leader of the Scottish Conservative Party could not stoop any lower to get her face on the telly, we hear that Ruth Davidson is to appear in Celebrity Great British Bake-Off. I find this disturbing for a couple of reasons. Firstly, we have the excruciating spectacle of a politician trying ‘not to take themselves seriously’ which invariably has the same must-see appeal as your dad (or me, for that matter) dancing at a wedding.

Secondly, in a country where obesity and type-2 diabetes are reaching near-epidemic numbers, is it really responsible for politicians to be seen on national TV encouraging us to eat cake? I suppose we should only be grateful it’s not Theresa May who has agreed to do Celebrity Great British Bake-Off, as the sight of her sinking her fangs into a Victoria sponge would put me off my food for a week.

It is somewhat ironic that Davidson should agree to do a baking show, as she has always had the look of someone who could be the face on the poster of a health campaign warning the public not to eat too many cakes.

The really annoying thing, however, is that it is almost impossible to turn on your television without seeing Ruth Davidson. She seems to be everywhere. Have I Got News For You?, the Tory party conference, not to mention Strictly Come Dancing. Or was that Susan Calman? Or was Susan Calman on Celebrity Great British Bake Off? I for one am finding it increasingly difficult to tell the difference.

The pair are so ubiquitous and interchangeable, it is difficult to know who is presenting that hideous game show The Boss on afternoon BBC1, or which of the two has been appearing earlier in the day on BBC2 in First Minister’s Questions.

However, despite the fact that neither of them is ever off the small screen, I have never seen them both on the same programme. This has prompted much speculation that they are the same person. I find this theory a bit far-fetched, but I think it is distinctly possible that they are a real-life set of Russian dolls where one fits inside the other.

Meanwhile, it now appears that the Conservatives will be the only party at Holyrood voting against the smacking ban. In which case, it will pass into law, opening up a business opportunity for some enterprising young Tory to start selling coach trips to England where they will smack your kids for you, doubtless stopping off to load up with shale oil on the way home. Expect Ruth Davidson to appear sometime soon in The Great British Celebrity Smack Off.

Sadly, as 2017 draws to a close, we have little to look forward to in 2018. Here in Scotland, we aren’t even looking forward to the World Cup, having once more failed to qualify for the final stages of the tournament in Russia next year.

Personally, I feel very sorry for Gordon Strachan who has lost his job as a result. It appears to me that manager of the Scotland football team is the only jobbed where your success or failure is judged by total idiots.

Who are the most vocal groups of people judging the success or failure of Scotland manager? His fellow professionals in the game? People who have a track-record of success at the highest level of the game and have been there, seen it, done it and know what they’re talking about? No, of course not! That would make far too much sense. Instead, the Scotland boss is judged by fans on social media, tabloid journalists and the buffoons in blazers who run the SFA. In other words, people who not only know fuck-all about top-level football management, but also know fuck-all about fuck-all. Rather than being judged by a jury of his peers, the Scotland manager is invariably judged by a jury of utter morons. Best of luck to the next man in the job. Or perhaps it could be a woman. Don’t bet against Ruth Davidson appearing on the next edition of Football Focus talking up her chances of getting the job.

The upshot of not getting to World Cup I Russia in 2018 is, as I have long predicted, that we will finally qualify for Qatar in 2022. It seems inevitable that we will get to that tournament, given its desert location, fifty degree temperatures, scarce availability of alcohol etc. However, in the light of the guy banged up in jail in Dubai for trying to not spill his pint, don’t bet on all the fans making it home before the team’s inevitable early exit.

Vladimir McTavish will be performing at The Stand Comedy Club, Edinburgh on Thursday 23 to Saturday 25 November, and from Thursday 21 to Saturday 23 December.

Photograph

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